just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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