god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
