I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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