You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
