I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
