i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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