He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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