i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
