I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
