If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
