ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
