If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
