Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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