Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
