Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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