it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
