they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
