How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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