I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize