Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
