that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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