I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize