From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
