I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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