Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the day after is always just damage control
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
