I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
high people should be assigned attendants
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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