thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
