I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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