Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
