R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Vodka?
Forever.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
