I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
