I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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