dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
