Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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