I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just gift wrapped bread.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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