Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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