I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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