I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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