She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
