Need sex. Gaining weight.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
