Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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