I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
