Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
whose ass print is on the piano?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
