i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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