Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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