You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
