did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
