Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
