he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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