wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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