dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We are all done wearing pants today
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
