im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
