You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
