What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
