the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
