3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
