batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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