Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize