I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
