i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Pooping to opera.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
